I’m at a turning point.
I’m at a point where I want to turn away from the bitterness and negativity that has had such a hold on me for the past several years. I’m at a point where I want to turn toward Jesus, trusting Him with my burden and taking up His yoke to find reckless rest in Christ.
I’m at a point where I want to turn away from tenaciously searching for evidence of failure in christians, condemning them repeatedly and mercilessly for their many flaws and mistakes. I’m at a point where I want to turn toward repeatedly and lovingly encouraging Christians in their pilgrimage toward reckless healing in Christ.
I’m at a point where I want to turn away from holding on to my raging fury at the sins of the church, from shaking my fist at those who have committed heinous acts in the name of Christ and have destroyed Christ’s name among those whom I love. I’m at a point where I want to turn toward identifying myself as part of the very Church I love to accuse, toward acknowledging accepting admitting confessing that I too am guilty of unforgivable acts of hatred and malice in the name of Christ. I want to turn toward picking up the very cross that Christ commands me to pick up and follow Him.
I’m at a point where I want to turn away from raging in my righteous anger in God’s Holy Court, from clutching on to the many valid reports of evil and injustice that I keep holding on to and fuel my rage with. I’m at a point where I want to drop my reports to the floor in the face of the infinite reckless righteousness of the Holy One, where I want to release my rage to His Court and trust the provision of His Justice.
I’m at a point where I want to turn away from the chains of bondage that my unresolved fury keeps wrapping around my heart and drags me back into His Courtroom to rage at Him. I’m at a point where I want to turn toward accepting the reckless freedom that Christ offers me from fury-bondage, where I want to turn toward stepping out of the courtroom into the warm sunshine of living His Life freely.
I’m at a point where I want to turn away from my attitude of not trusting God, an attitude so ingrained that I do not even think of seeking God because I deeply distrust Him. I’m at a point where I want to turn toward my God in humility with reckless faith in Him.
I’m at a point where I want to turn away from stubbornly rejecting God’s friendship, to turn away from sulking from God. I’m at a point where I want to turn toward intimate communion with the Almighty God, toward living a life infused with reckless prayer.
I’m at a point where I want to turn away from my sullen anger at Christ for being so darn forgiving of people who have hurt me or my family. I’m at a point where I want to turn toward acknowledging accepting enjoying His reckless love.
I’m at a point where I want to turn away from expending my heart and soul and mind and passion in opposing and sabotaging the Kingdom of Christ. I’m at a point where I want to turn toward offering my heart and soul and mind and passion to worship Christ and further His Kingdom.
I’m at a point where I want to turn away from all my talk about loving people and the frustration I have in my failures at doing so in my own strength. I’m at a point where I want to turn toward truly loving people as God sees them, toward depending on Him for His grace, strength, will, and timing in living a life marked with the reckless suffering of loving people with His reckless heart-invitation.
I’m at a turning point where I sense that the enemy of God fears my decision and levies accusation upon accusation in Holy Court against me. I’m at a turning point where I sense Christ’s reckless presence beside me on the path, encouraging me to step forward into His reckless adventure.
I’m at a turning point.
And I’m turning.
With reckless passion.
April 5th, 2006 at 1:12 pm
Awesome!
I’m at a point where I want to turn away from my sullen anger at Christ for being so darn forgiving of people who have hurt me or my family.
Yes. Yep. Been there. Still there. Still have to keep turning towards Him.
I still catch myself erecting “scarecrow” versions of other people in my mind and arguing with them, getting angrier and more self-righteous by the moment. Every time I realize I’m doing it, I stop and ask God for forgiveness and I bless them instead, remind myself that all that stuff I’d erected was a lie in my own head, and keep asking God to bless them in every way I can think of until the desire to rail at them is taken away by Christ in me.
And I still do it.
I’d like to think that I notice myself doing it sooner, now, but I don’t want to get complacent.
Christ in me, the hope of glory…
God bless you, brother.
May 16th, 2006 at 11:42 am
On Thursday, April 13, this turning point happened.
It happened on a hilltop, through a small but powerful and intense ceremony, a rite of passage.
It happened with a close set of people involved: Alexis, Don, Gary, Ron, and Dan.
There were stories read. There were prayers prayed. There were tears wept and laughter shared.
There was symbolic but true release from bondage, a fire in a small kettle grill burning sheets and sheets of hard paper on which I had written down the many things I felt were burdening my heart and holding me back from true spiritual journey with Christ.
And there was Jesus, the King, setting me free from those things and enabling me to walk in community with his Bride. The sense of His unstoppable presence flooded my soul with purpose determined to release me from captivity and redeem me for His Glory.
On a breezy hilltop south of Amherst, with the sun shining and with the grass fresh in my clutched fist, and with laughter and tears and honest words of forgiveness and redemption from members of the symbolic Bride of Christ, I turned with reckless passion from my past and from my negativity to living life, life true and life full, life with and the Life of Jesus, my reckless living God and King.