So, I’m struck today by my impurity and junk. There are a variety of issues and garbage in my heart that need to get addressed during my reckless journey of faith in Christ. Some of them include:

• Bitterness and negativity in my heart toward Christian church culture, especially American Christians. Some of it is well-founded, some of it stems from gross exaggerations, some of it is simply lies, and some of it is sheer cynicism. None of it is godly or productive. This bitterness has to be healed, has to be addressed at least, before I can begin encouraging others in their love pursuit of Christ and his Kingdom. And it looks like God is serious about rolling up his sleeves and walking me through the process of cleaning up this sour river that bubbles tepidly in the depths of my heart. But do I trust him enough to begin?
• My on-going struggle with sensuality - living in a sensual culture has always been problematic for me, especially given my prior addiction to pornography and my upbringing in a conservative and sheltered culture (Islamic Yemen). Living in American culture for me sometimes is analogous to a recovering alcoholic living in a frat house. And it seems like almost any spiritual high I experience is accompanied by a subsequent testing and doubting of my sensual passions. It’s no different this time around - being in this spiritual high place lately with the launch of “reckless passion”, I find myself doubting my ability to withstand sensual temptations, and I find myself heaping tons of unbearable guilt on me, enough to despair of any hope of freedom. Some of it is external - any God-inspired movement I’ve stepped into has been accompanied by spiritual and sensual attacks, and that’s the case this week too. Some of it is internal - my own sinful self rebels against transformational growth and craves sin, and that’s the case this week too, although I can look back and see how much I have changed over the past few years and I have joy in looking forward to more growth to come. And some of it is tied to the first point above - a bitter and negative sourness in my heart mocks my feeble attempts at purity.
• My on-going struggle with obedience. Lately I’ve come to understand that my identity as a Christian is much more than beliefs in doctrine, but primarily one of living relationship with the living God - Christ. And as with any relationship, Christ sees my junk much more clearly than I do. Unlike any other relationship, Christ’s presence redeems and transforms me continually. However, there remains the question of obedience - do I really walk with Christ as my God and King, or do I treat him as any of my other friends, someone to walk with only when I’m feeling dressed up and presentable?

I’m struck with just how much I need to continually pray and seek the presence of God in my heart at all times, to keep me moving forward with my eyes set on Christ, instead of getting stuck in introspective despair.